The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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