If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
