Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
