im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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