They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
