i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he thought i was a dude.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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