got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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