Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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