Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
