Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
