there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
