Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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