Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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