I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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