Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
