Christians are straight up FREAKS
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
