i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
