Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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