I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
