So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
