my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
