Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
