he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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