I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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