I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
