I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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