I could make wine with my vomit
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I understand Curling. That high.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm experimenting with sincerity
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
