Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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