a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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