I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
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