I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
