Do you still have your period?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's never too late to be topless.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
