2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
