Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
kristin has been a bad kristin
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
