matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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