I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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