Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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