he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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