When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
