drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
