Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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