I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Houston, we have a squirter
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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