if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
