Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
