He uses pillows to masturbate.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
