Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
