I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
