we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
