Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
