So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
