Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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